wikialityfandomcom-20200214-history
The Colbert Report/Episode/493
Production Info |- |} |- |} The Check-In * Dr. Colbert have not yet made his resolutions for the New Year ** His Jewish Friend's resolution is to finally get rid of his gonorrhea *** Stephen recommends a tincture of mercury Intro SEGMENT1 * the kind of ovation The Mob gave him is the sort of thing that turns Stephen on * holiday retail sales have plummeted * 100's of Americans who've lost their jobs A Man Named Bernie * took care of his friends' fortunes * his business was a "big lie" * Lego's are also lies * more than a lie ** history's largest Ponzi Scheme *** confused with Fonzie scheme * Ponzi schemes end in ponzcanoes ** graphics people work very hard * Stephen & Melinda Gates Foundation ** deeply invested with Madoff ** now flat broke, just weeks away from finding a cause * NY Times economic reporter David Leonhardt ** better to find out that gold is nothing rather than finding out that gold was a steaming pile of crap * regulation never helps * no one uncovered it, Bernie Madoff admitted it himself ** we owe him a debt of gratitude * Bernie sent gifts out to his friends, family ** to get rid of valuables * Hiding Gold ** send me your gold! ** 1-888-OOPS-JEWEL *** endorsed by Dave Leonhardt of the New York Times! Better Know A District * new congress * Rahm Emanual is not in Congress anymore * Nancy Pelosi wrote Stephen a personal letter ** present the letter for one free frozen yogurt * 53rd installment * Utah 3rd home to craggy weathered landmarks Provo Provo freedom festival Brigam Young University * Jason Chaffetz has the tabernacles to represent Utah's Third youngest district average age is early 20's * most diverse district in Utah ** Republicans and staunch Republicans ** many Osmonds ** pumping gas is not a metaphor for anything gay * new congressman ** tips: pick someone big, jack 'em into next week ** you can't be made their biatch * opposes illegal immigration ** open detention camps * dip Mexicans in florescent paint so we can see ** fill Rio with acid ** poison pinatas * "A" rating from NRA * Stephen introduces Sweetness to Jason * works out * challenges Stephen to leg wrestle ** Stephen won Interview * Matt Miller get rid of old ideas * wake up every morning huff chlorox * book "The Tyranny of Dead Ideas: Letting Go of the Old Ways of Thinking to Unleash a New Prosperity" List of Dead Ideas # schools are a local matter # your company should take care of you # higher taxes hurt the economy and they're always too high * Federal government has money is a dead idea * Viacom is a wonderful company * Obama will grade Stephen's kids science tests and check Stephen's gallbladder * Stephen opened the book and found the pages were blank * he whines about new ideas he didn't think about * only government can save businesses * only businesses can help liberalism * admits he is a lefty * radical centrists ** Take no prisoners pussy Epilogue * Stephen was just finishing up a call on the OOPS JEWEL line when The Report returned from break ** before saying good night, Dr. Colbert took the time to thank all the people who make the show possible: * he graciously welcomed himself then said good night to The Heroes Gallery Image:ColmesFreeSince2009.jpg Image:IntroMattMiller1-6-2009.jpg Image:MattMiller1-6-2009.jpg Image:BookTyrannyIdeas1-6-2009.jpg Image: Image: Image: Image: Motherload Videos External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments